There we were, sitting knee to knee. She looked over at me and, with moisture forming in her eyes, she asked in all sincerity: How do I get beyond the mistakes I’ve made?
We had been discussing her 360-feedback results in the context of her Personal Leadership Brand. She was a front-line manager and her feedback was fairly positive. She had specific strengths that her co-workers appreciated and relied on her for those strengths. Sure, there was room for improvement in particular areas but from all outward indications she was on firm ground in the eyes of her team, her peers, and her manager. Despite her apparent success, she carried a heavy burden that prevented her from seeing the good others saw in her. It was evident that these “mistakes” were things that were not obvious to others in her environment. But they were painfully obvious to her.
How about you?
- What is standing in your way of seeing the positive impact you have on the people and things around you?
- Do you feel you have made some gross error or have some fatal flaw that makes you less worthy of compliment?
- What might you otherwise accomplish or contribute if you felt more secure and confident?
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Am I The Only One That Feels This Way?
In my coaching practice, I have encountered leaders from all levels of their organization – front line to c-suite – struggle with such issues. Their internal turmoil is holding them back from showing up with confidence. In these cases, we discuss their Personal Leadership Brand in terms of highlights and shadows. Highlights represent the things that we are proud of and hope others appreciate about us. Shadows are the things we are not so proud of, such as our flaws or lack of confidence. While we don’t necessarily want to emphasize the shadow-side of our Personal Leadership Brand, there are gifts we’ve developed only because we’ve struggled with the shadow.
What do I mean? Let’s say you, like many people, struggle with a fear of public speaking or speaking up in meetings. If either of these is getting in your way of the things you want to achieve and the influence you want to have, you will likely find a way to overcome your fear or at least work through it. It is the overcoming or the working through of your fear that gives you the capacity to empathize and help others who are facing the same challenge. You are much better equipped to help them than others who have never had to face the same challenge. You speak their language, so to speak. You’ve developed strategies that help you and that can, in turn, help them.
Your ability to appreciate the gifts of the shadow applies to whatever is getting in your way. It is because of the shadow – the fear or insecurity – that you’ve developed a way to truly help others along their leadership journey. And this is truly a gift of your Personal Leadership Brand. Recognizing your strengths as well as the things you’ve worked to overcome are both gifts that serve yourself, your team and your organization well.
Two Steps to Using the Gifts of the Shadow-side of Your Personal Leadership Brand
- Identify one or two of your biggest fears, regrets, failures or shortcomings. You want the number one or two thing(s) that impact you the most. You know what they are. It is that thing where your inner dialog rebuts anything anyone says by way of compliment. After all, you are fully aware of your faults and shortcomings and if they only knew what you knew about yourself… Or it could be the thought you have right before the feeling that starts in the pit of your stomach whenever you face a difficult challenge. The feeling that this time you may not be able to succeed.
- For each of the items in #1, think of as many gifts or tools you have developed or you could develop because of it. Really think about how you can turn this around in the service of others because, believe me, you are likely not alone. Remember: It is in our own shadows that we develop the tools to help others, and this reframes the challenge, giving it less power over you.
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